I have wishes

Dear My Loving Wife,

I have no plans of leaving this plane of existence anytime soon. You never know, though. I could be in a car accident, have a bone lodge in my throat, or the wrong person could cough on me.

It’s a dangerous world.

If I die, I want you to be happy. You deserve love and happiness and pleasure.

It’s okay with me if you remarry. You may do so with my blessing.

I have requests. Not conditions. Just requests.

You may honor them or not. And if you don’t honor them, you may still remarry. Just maybe not with my blessing.

1. Marry someone…

Do I contradict myself?

I put off an About Me story, first because I didn’t know what to say and then because I couldn’t decide what to leave out.

We all have a multitude of stories.

For this post, I decided to tell the complicated one about admitting I was a writer then how I later became one.

Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself.
(I am large, I contain multitudes.) — Walt Whitman

Do I contradict myself?
Very well then. I contradict myself.
(No, I don’t. Yes, I do. Hush, you.) — Scott Hughey

I was an early lover of words and language. Oddly so, given that so many people couldn’t understand mine.

I was adopted, along with my…

To the gentleman at table #5:

You’ve just ordered a 12-ounce ribeye steak. It’s usually a fine choice. The high-fat content makes the steak tender and juicy, cooked in its own juices. When prepared properly, you’ll find it perfectly seared and exploding with flavor.

Except, you ordered it well-done.

I immediately knew several things.

• As a kid, you probably set your roasted marshmallows on fire. You swore this was because you “like them that way.”
• If you ever manage to procreate, you’ll teach your children to set their marshmallows on fire, too. …

I despise movie reviews that are nothing more than glorified plot synopsizes.

They feel lazy. Why write an in-depth analysis of a film when saying, “This happened, then that happened, then this-n-that happened,” is ten times easier?

The answer, of course, is it’s ten times easier.

I was so blown away by the movie Nobody that I had to review it immediately. Guess what my initial outline looked like? You guessed it.

This happened, then that happened, then this-n-that happened. I may be paraphrasing.

Movie reviewers can do better. I can do better.

I’ve broken down this review into five…

Google “How to Keep a Secret,” and you’ll find that the top advice is never tell it to anyone.

Why? The more people that know a secret, the more likely it is that others will find it out.

This will shock many of you, but passwords are a secret you keep between yourself and your computer. Also, password is, in fact, a terrible password.

It’s bad enough that people continue to use easily guessed passwords like 123456 or picture1. They also share them with others or keep them in easily accessible places.

Passwords are your first line of defense against…

Dear Distracted IT Guy that I had to work with again recently,

First, let me say this. You’re not the worst systems admin I’ve ever encountered. I mean that sincerely.

As an IT Engineer, I travel everywhere, working with end-users and technical staff all the time. On a typical install, I’ll need a system admin login to various servers and computers with admin access.

Unlike many I’ve met over the years, you are capable of doing this. It just takes you, on average, 12–15 minutes. Yes, it does. I’ve timed it. And why does it take so long?

You can’t multitask.

I know…

1. Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there.

You’ve been burned before. You’ve also been shot, punched, left for dead in inescapable death traps, and had your heart torn out. It comes with the territory. Don’t allow your trust issues to prevent you from seeking intimacy. Not everyone has spontaneous flame powers.

2. Have your protection handy.

No, not necessarily that kind of protection. We’ve all been on those dates where the restaurant is robbed, the bank next door blows up, or your arch-nemesis tracks you down. It happens.

Don’t be caught with your superpants down, or nowhere to be found. Have your magic ring/utility belt/shield/armor/hammer nearby.

3. Choose your date with care. You may have to rescue or fight them one day.

There are three types of people…

Contest Winner Announcement

Dear everyone,

You’re all the best. No, really, I mean it. Our writers craft the best letters. Our readers read them. It’s win-win.

Speaking of win-win, We’ve just concluded our first Open Letters Response Contest and it was a hit. We’re going to have to do this again. And we have two winners to announce!

We hadn’t planned on announcing two winners, but these letters were just too good not to include both.